Helen Magnus vs the Road Runner
by DragonAceSg7
Summary: Rating: PG Warnings: cartoon-esq antics, suggestive dialouge Spoilers: none specific Summary: Helen Magnus is hunting a rare abnormal. Characters/Pairings: Sanctuary: Helen Magnus, Nikola Tesla ; Looney Toons: Road Runner; Helen/Nikola implied


**There is no other way about this, this is pure crack. Written for my current Bingo card of Crossover-comedy. Yes, Helen is trying to capture the Road Runner. Don't know who that is? Google with safe search on.  
**

* * *

"Helen... why are we here?" a rather bored Nikola Tesla poked at the woman next to him as she looked through binoculars.

"Nikola, hush!" Helen scolded, trying to shake off his poking finger without letting go of what was in her hands.

"You hush," Nikola groused back.

Helen fought a giggle, Nikola was one step away from sticking his tongue out.

Before Nikola could think of an appropriate, annoyed response, Helen suddenly was moving.

"Helen?" Nikola blinked as he watched Helen drop her binoculars and run towards the empty desert road.

Helen jumped up onto a nearby boulder and grinned, "I have you now!"

A plume of dust and sand was rapidly coming up towards Helen's position.

"Ha!" Helen launched the 'Magnus Catcher' nets in quick succession.

Nikola rushed over as the dust cloud enveloped Helen suddenly.

Helen coughed and waved the air in front of her face.

Standing on the road was the skinniest bird Nikola Tesla had ever seen.

It was also standing in the exact middle of where all the nets, had missed.

"You missed?" Nikola tilted his head, confused. Helen didn't miss.

"What? I don't miss!" Helen actually stamped her foot like a child.

The skinny bird, that, was smiling at them suddenly jumped up, "Meep Meep!" It waggled its tongue then was suddenly gone in a fresh billow of sandy air.

The act of the strange bird's quick departure displaced the nets and had them all landing on Helen Magnus.

"Get back here you skinny flightless twit!" Helen struggled with the netting.

Nikola was too stunned to move for a second, seeing Helen so uncomposed.

"Nikola, get over here this instant or I shall put several large holes in that new suit you're wearing," Helen glared.

"Yes, my dove," Nikola smirked as he walked over to help detangle her.

Helen sighed, "I'll get that bird if it's the last thing I ever do!"

The next day

"So, what's the plan today?" Nikola asked as they were again behind some boulders, seriously, there were a lot of big rocks around here, as Helen waited for her quarry.

"I'm pretending he's you," Helen grinned, "bait."

"Oh you wound me," Nikola feigned being shot in the heart.

"Cork it, fang boy," Helen lowered her voice, again staring through huge binoculars, "here he comes."

Nikola turned and indeed, that same confusing plume of sand and dirt was racing down the road towards, "Helen is that a bear trap?"

"Shh!" Helen gave Nikola a kick to the shins, "no, it's a road runner trap."

"Hey!" Nikola hissed as he kicked, "and how is that a... road runner trap?"

"Here he comes!" Helen seemed to not be listening.

Nikola turned his attention to the road as the skinny bird suddenly stopped in front of the large plate of bird seed Helen had placed down.

"Does it even know what bird seed is?" Nikola inquired.

Before Helen could answer the creature, who looked rather tall for a desert bird, began to devour the seed with a quick pecking motion.

Helen watched... and watched...

and the bird ate... and ate...

The trap wasn't triggered.

"Meep meep!" the bird finished eating, stuck out his tongue then was gone.

"Son of a bitch!" Helen cursed and raced over.

Nikola raised an eyebrow but said nothing as Helen stared at the now empty plate of seed.

"What's wrong with this thing?" Helen went to move the plate and suddenly the trap sprang.

"Helen!" Nikola ran over then bit his tongue to keep from making a sound.

"Not. One. Word. Nikola," Helen was fine. Well, mostly fine.

The trap had snapped shut around Helen and while she wasn't injured, a big chunk of her ponytail was missing from her head and the strands floating to the ground.

Nikola had never been so silent in his life. At great difficulty.

The day after that

Helen, with what was left of her long hair in a tight braid, was confident this would work.

Nikola was sitting on a rock and looking at a tablet, reading aloud, "Birdibus zippibus, more commonly referred to as the Road Runner is an indigenous bird of the North American Southwest," he paused, "that's a terrible sounding sentence."

Helen did her best to ignore Nikola as she sat with the mother of all tranq dart guns aimed at the road where she'd blocked it off with tree limbs.

There were no trees in sight anywhere so it was a wonder where they came from.

"It is unclear how this bird survives as only one has ever been seen at a time, and there have never been confirmed sightings of females," Nikola looked at Helen, "only one in existence or clones?"

"That's what I intend to find out," Helen grinned as she suddenly fired at the approaching dust cloud.  
Only it wasn't her quarry she'd shot but the only vehicle they had seen for the last three days.

And the day after that...

"No!" Nikola crossed his arms, "I will not suffer such an indignity."

"Yes, you will," Helen dragged Nikola behind a boulder and yanked off his suit coat, "how are you wearing this in the desert anyway?"

"It's fashionable," Nikola batted at Helen's hands, "shoo, go away."

"Nikola, are you actually upset I'm undressing you?" Helen teased.

"It's because of what you wish to dress me IN that I protest so much," Nikola grabbed Helen's wrists.

"Oh please, Niko," Helen snuggled up to Nikola's side, "for me, please? The sooner we capture this abnormal, the sooner we can go back to the hotel, with the nice big bed and air conditioning."

Nikola waivered.

"Come on," Helen rested her cheek on Nikola's arm, "I'll let you order whatever wine from room service too."

"Any?" Nikola knew he would cave eventually, it was Helen after all, he might as well get something good to drink out of it.

"Any," Helen crossed over her heart with her finger, "Helen promises her Niko."

"All right, all right," Nikola sighed.

He could almost hear the whip sound as he let Helen undress him then stick him in the so unrealistic costume.

After a good twenty-minutes of planning, that Nikola still wasn't clear on, he was now standing in the middle of the road.

He was dressed at what was speculated a female road runner to be.

Which from what Nikola could tell was the exact same bird with longer eyelashes.

"Don't you think I'm a little tall?" Nikola called from the god awful heat of the fake bird head.

"Shh!" Helen scolded, "here he comes."

"The things I do for a '67 red," Nikola grumbled to himself.

"Meep meep!" was heard as the sand cloud raced up then suddenly stopped.

"Uh, meep meep," Nikola parrotted.

Helen was sneaking up behind with a stunner.

The tall bird stared at the overly-large "female" with large eyes and that goofy smile on his beak.

Helen jumped out suddenly, "ha!" and fired the stunner.

Nikola landed like a stone on the pavement.

"Meep meep!" the road runner stuck out his tongue then vanished down the street.

"Damn," Helen sighed, "foiled again."_  
_


End file.
